- Summer list
- June 2nd, 2016
In the past month and some, my life has done some spring cleaning of its own.
I was given an end date to the job I've always come back to; the job that always had a place for me.
My biggest what-if left this world and caught me so off guard with grief. I grieved for a man I barely knew because he was so, so kind, and I think I was always a little in love with him.
My grandmother died, marking the end of vicious cycle of self hate and hopelessness. God, the woman loved me, but what does it say about a person when I can only think of horrible stories to tell at her funeral?
I am so hopelessly overwhelmed by all I have to do at work. So overwhelmed. I know this as I sit here and try to make sense of the mess I have left for myself in the past few
years months of depression and hurt. Thereby giving myself another distraction.
The truth is this:
I can get everything done as this study ends. I just need to focus and organize. I can do it; I've done harder things before. I haven't really been happy here in a long time.
I have at least one job waiting for me. Maybe two.
Maybe I can use this grief to reinvent myself. Q and I would have been a terrible couple, in every respect. We were both in the best shape of our lives when we met, and, god, I wish I had figured it out. I wish I had been braver. I wish he had been my first everything.
There, I said it out loud.
I was softer then. I was less sure of myself. The city has sealed my skin in candy-coated sarcasm.
Who even knows, though. I have a habit seeing only through rose-colored glasses.
I can breathe a little easier now. Maybe we can figure out, as a family, how not to abuse each other so much. I doubt it based on past experiences, but I live in hope. The world is not out to get us. Life does not begin and end with family--not unless it's the family we make for ourselves.
So here is my summer list (because life is a bitch, and I want to make some decisions):
I want to go to boot camp 20 times
Yoga 10 times
Buy groceries once a week
Meal prep every Sunday
Prep meds every Sunday
Finish three binders a day
Finish all SAEs
Finish Phone calls and phone visits
Send in your CRC credits to Rosalyn
Make the Denver reservations
File taxes (2013 and 2015, jesus, Juliet)
Get paperwork for the house ready
pay the ezpass ticket (or just fix it, what is wrong with you)
Return igigi dress, it's the wrong color
Give up the drama
plan (at least) one weekend to just go through Dad's basement
try twice more to have breakfast with Jared (but no more after that)
Buy Mom a toilet
Dogsit more, make her go out
Maybe take the dog to the shore
Jenna and Sara's Wedding shower
Go see Rosie. Soon. Maybe the week after the shower.
Help her with the roses, and other crafts
Pegasus, Pegasus, Pegasus
Maybe bake a couple times a month for work
Maybe PHS, but nothing else! Save your money!
Go to the beach twice this summer. TWICE.
For the love of god, use up some of that yarn
So much yarn
Paint once a month, more if it helps
Do Philly Sips a couple times a month
Rent a cabin
Go out dancing, stop waiting for him (he's probably never coming)
Write once a week
Make Denver plans
Assateague may have to wait
Finish your coursera course, you paid for it dummy
Take the GREs
Study for the GREs (haha, it won't kill you to not walk into a test blind)